He takes a step,turns around and tells his old lady he’s just going to town. He looks down at his torn left shoe and finds comfort in his big sore toe showing through.
The first steps were so easy as he headed south. He had never smiled more in his life. It was no big smile, just a lift of his left cheek. He felt very free. He had no guilt and he did not waste thought on why. He had a slight moment of true sadness for his wife. She was not as strong to leave her life. It was a nice life. As simple as getting up, going to work,getting home,eating,talking about bills,sleeping,and getting up to do it again the next day and the next and the next and the next.
He pictured her in the family room, rocking their infant daughter and smiling at their toddler son. Maybe glancing at the door, like it was going to open, and he would walk back in, and toss a pack of cigarettes on the couch for her. No. He never would again. He was truly leaving them. He was definitely going somewhere. He had no clue where,but he didn’t want to slow his steps till he got there. Wherever there was.
Other than this dramatic take-off thirty some years ago, there is really no other change in his life. He met a woman, had a few more kids. Left them too. Took another walk. Settled down on the ground. Now he’s just staring around. His picture can be found on the computer. I can stare into his light blue eyes. I see the blue matches mine. I see they are most cloudy and unhappy. Not like mine. The faces of his past are haunting his vision whether his eyes are open or shut.
Now he just sits, staring, waiting. Waiting to be found maybe. Sometimes I dream that I am the one that reaches out my hand to help him stand as I tell him who I am. Each morning I put on my shoes thinking he really is in my heart. As I start walking, I definitely know he will always be waiting because he took us apart.
My wheel with all the spokes or my circle with all the slices is not going to hold all of my world, our world!!! Smile and laugh that beautiful laugh you have my sweet wonderful husband. I’m writing to you when I am on here. I know you are so proud of me, but I want to go above and beyond. Somehow. I don’t know exactly how I will get to above and beyond, but I won’t stop! So I sit listening to country music, freezing cold, in my warmest ever popular pants of late, a sexy shirt covered with my long purplish flannel shirt and my cloud and star fuzzy slippers. I have no doubt you would find me cute as a button! I have index cards all over the desk and under my arms as I type, filled with my well-rounded thoughts. I don’t know if you have noticed since you have worked every day this week,hard,and been sick and eaten and dropped into bed in a nyquil stupor. But I barely open my closet and then pitch items in! HaHa! I have all my old writings and scribbles and boxes and photos ALL OVER the floor. Heaven forbid I walk in there in the dark. I could trip and farely knock myself out falling and hitting my head on totes or the chest. I have to admit, I have hidden pictures in there. You were amazing to go through all our family albums and keep one’s for us. But in the chest. Well. The whole bottom was full of more albums my sweet sweet man. Which made for more memories,more pieces to fit in the spokes of our wheel or that big circle of our life. Or the diagram of The Five Balls I read about in a James Patterson book, “Suzanne’s Diary For Nicholas”.
Fragile,delicate,precious,but strong. And Growing! Our well-rounded is huge,full of blessings! So, I love you and must go and write something…
Food for Thought seems to be said quite a few times to me by my husband. I get so excited because that short sentence is usually followed by another great sentence. One that holds an exciting thought he has been waiting to share all day with me!
I wish I would have written down each Food for Thought Idea he has ever presented to me. There might be one where he would say, if we wore tennis shoes, we could make some laps around the parking lot before we picked up our groceries. Or, if we drove thru the night we could arrive in time to sleep a while on the beach and welcome in the new day. Food for Thought, if we get carry-out, we could go back home and hang out watching a movie and enjoying a fun meal right in front of our television. Or, if we get a motorhome, then you would feel safe to drive it, and we can travel anywhere, and park it right on our property while we build our home. Food for Thought, if we invite the kids over, then we can make some fun foods and then we have seen all of them before we go to Disney. These are small examples of his grand thoughts, but I love them and can’t wait to hear him say those three words!
I looked up Food for Thought. I believed it to mean nourishment for the brain. An idea given a chance to spin off many more ideas. To possibly change our way of thinking on just about anything. To ponder new ways in every single thing in life. To ponder everyday thinking that might just change our future. To gather more knowledge to help us reach our goals, our dreams. To stimulate our brain,to gather more wisdom. It means all of this and more.
Some of our conversations that start out, Food for Thought, do not usually lead to solving major problems. Food for Thought is just a great opener for multiple discussions. His way of making the beginning of 20 year old conversation cards mysterious and exciting!
I love you, I need you, I don’t want you to ever go away! I am guilty of not opening up to you and sending out my thoughts each day. I want to feed you envelopes and return to find you full. One’s sent far to my friend’s, few, old and gray too, the dull,the young and hopefully, one new.
As I write, I begin to look forward to going to the mailbox each day. How excited I am to pull on the handle, look inside and see I have mail. Even before I receive my letter, I already look forward to writing again. One’s filled with ink, causing my eyes to mist and several times I blink. Each letter formed by hand of times that may be bland. Memories filled with the past and love that we hope will last. Talk of the future, stories written about our walk on our every day life, mystery and strife.
I sit at my desk listening to the music of the birds, as I read a line of beautiful words. I lift up a box and sift through just the right paper for my Dear Friend who is always in a bit of a caper! It might begin with a little tale and end with a myth of my own!
My husband and I had the talk last year. Not anything awful or scary, but excitingly serious!
We decided it was time to make OUR LIST. He made lists and I made my own through our married life, but silly enough, we never thought about putting our ideas together. This was crazy because we talked and hashed everything out till we nearly killed it!
When we came to realize they could be combined, it opened the flood gate to a whole new way of living. This led to goals to work on together, which led to “Our List”.
It ranges from important daily tasks, to business ideas, to life long dreams. By combining the two, we have been more organized with our money and our “trip” into the future. We keep adding to and rewording and revisiting.
I love the sweet little romantic side and so does my husband. That when we make a change, we tell the other by text to check our list. This keeps us connected through the day and we look forward to hearing from one another. Our list, may it last our lifetime together.